Words to live by: I don’t care. We have all said it more times than we can count, regardless of truth or authenticity. Think of all of the instances in this life that you have tried to convince yourself that you don’t care about what is happening, even as you stand in the rain to mask the tears as they crash to the ground in the company of raindrops; companions of destruction. You see, the problem with saying “I don’t care” is simply that we all clearly care. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t need to say it or convince ourselves that something doesn’t matter. We wouldn’t spend countless moments polishing ourselves for the next instagram post or mulling over the wording of our next tweet. Admittedly, I’ve lived my entire life this way and it wasn’t until recently that I noticed the blocking mechanism I had in place. Anything that had ever happened to me triggered a storm of conflicting dialogue in my head and ended with, “you know what, I don’t care.” 

As a man, or simply just a human, I have been known to be quite guarded and mysterious. Subconsciously, the flux exists as a safe haven from the threats present in authentic vulnerability. I have always presented myself as an unphasable person, allowing disappointments and grievances to roll off of me like water off of a duck. My “I don’t care” cloak, symbolically identical to the one Harry Potter received from Dumbledore, presents me as invisible to any notion of hurt or remotely giving a damn. While under the cloak, I reflect on various conversations with self: telling myself that I don’t care when a break-up happens or someone I care about decides to leave; telling myself that I don’t care when being manipulated by romantic partners; telling myself that I don’t care when waking up as a kid on Christmas morning to find that Santa didn’t come this year; telling myself that I don’t care that my childhood was a lonely disaster. I want to be clear that this is not an effort to blame anyone or point fingers, it is simply an honest expression of transgressions I have endured and it all circles back to, “you know what, I don’t care.” 

Lie after lie, I turned myself into my own version of Rick Ross’s Teflon Don by assuming that if I can suppress all of my tribulations and convince myself that nothing matters, I will start to believe it and reality will follow suit. The truth is, I learned in therapy that shielding isn’t exactly productive because it doesn’t make problems go away. Naturally, it causes them to intensify and manifest themselves in other forms of negative emotion. For me, I had to drop the cloak in therapy and realize that I do in fact give more of a damn than I’m willing to admit. In fact, I care so deeply that I am afraid that people will see right through me and could therefore exploit every part of my being. I care. So damn much. Honestly. 

Part of me cares what people think of me, just as we all do to varying extents. Even when you say you don’t, you care about what certain people think. For example, think of the times when you do or don’t do something because of how people might view your decision (what shoes you wear, the phone you have, the car you drive, etc.). As a human, I care who loves me and I care who hates me (not that I expect everyone to like me, but hatred carries intentionality). I care who stays and I definitely care who goes. I care about my friends, my family, my loved ones, and most of all…my niece. I care about the victims of my past transgressions and the people I’ve done wrong. I care about you. I care, even if you can’t see it. Although I thank Dumbledore for the cloak, please pay attention to my words in the absence of my strength of exposure. If I hit you with a “yeah, I don’t care,” listen more carefully. I’m trying, I promise. Ultimately, I just need someone to care enough to show me how to love and be loved because that is not an understanding that I possess. Until then, I will remain under this cloak and hope that through these words, you can see my face and realize that I’m really not a monster. I’m just a man who doesn’t understand love...(to be continued) 

my question for you: what are you telling yourself that you don’t care about?

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thank you for spending a few moments with me. i do value your time and thoughts, so please do not hesitate to send me a message (using the contact page or via social media) and let me know what you think. i would love to hear from you!

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savant shelf selection: all about love by bell hooks.

savant song selection: dontgetit // lil wayne