Human relationships have always been difficult for me. I find it tremendously challenging to open myself to people and allow them to see me. Oftentimes, my anxiety pushes me over the edge and leaves me frozen like a deer in headlights; terrified. I want people to see me but I don’t want to be seen. I also struggle with trusting people and numerous insecurities stemming from a complicated childhood. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good upbringing and my family is tight-knit...but that can be a prison sometimes because mental health is not necessarily a popular topic where I come from. We don’t discuss those things, we just bury them deeeeeppp inside and hope they go away. You know, the ‘be a man’ narrative. My folks are very much a squad of omegas masquerading as alphas, continually putting on the front that everything is peachy...especially when it’s not. It wasn’t until my adult life that I realized that no one really has it figured out, and everyone struggles with something.

I heard all of this from my therapist (shoutout Dr. T) one day when I had a massive breakthrough. She floored me with the most beautifully authentic stream of words that fit me to the letter, and subsequently pissed me off. That day, I walked into her office and she checked me as soon as I sat down, somewhat like Will Hunting when Sean Maguire took him to the park bench and gave him one of the best psychological haymakers in recorded history. She did that because I had been shielding her for weeks and clearly wasting her time (and my own). That day, she had enough. The words fell out of her mouth and hit my ears like rain on a window; beads of knowledge and truth that kept coming…one after the other. So I sat there, crying and…if I’m being honest, fuming with rage because I was trying to be the tough guy and I had never been addressed with so much truth in one sitting. People do not speak to me that way, but she had zero fear like Kobe in the fourth quarter. Haymaker after haymaker, I took the punches and rolled with it. I remember thinking, “who does this woman think she is? she thinks that because she has some fancy degrees on the wall that she just knows me like that? I’m a grown a** man. I don’t need this.” The moment she mentioned “abandonment issues,” I lost it. In that moment, I was defused; no longer shielded because I couldn’t fight the truth. She was right. I wasn’t a man at that time. I was a terribly frightened omega, masquerading as an alpha.

She saw me. She saw me; the broken omega scared senseless in full armadillo (New Girl reference). She knew me because she took the time to do so, while not trying to change anything about me. I was upset because I knew that she knew me; that she could see me…which made me more vulnerable than I had ever been in my 27 years of life. That day was the very first time I have ever let anyone see me and I certainly still struggle with it because I know in the back of my mind that everyone’s intentions aren’t as pure as hers. Everyone isn’t out to help me sort through this mess, most people are just curious. She was not interested in seeing me for the sake of exploiting my vulnerability. She was only interested in helping me sort through the scattered pieces to this puzzle of life, and helping me put them together. She didn’t care about pushing me to be her ideal image of me, she cared about helping me grow into the me that I was scared to be. She is love; a beautiful soul and I thank her every day for checking me that afternoon. No matter who we may think we are as humans, we all need to be checked every now and then. 

my question for you: who is your tyson?

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thank you for spending a few moments with me. i do value your time and thoughts, so please do not hesitate to send me a message (using the contact page or via social media) and let me know what you think. i would love to hear from you!

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savant shelf selection: the unapologetic guide to black mental health by dr. rheeda walker

savant song selection: who do we think we are (spotify sessions) // john legend