…i feel you.

As sweat beads escape my armpits and roll down my side, I write to you today anxious as all get out because there are two police officers less than 2 feet behind me at this coffee shop. If any of this seems rushed or jumbled, I’m sorry. I just can’t get my hands to stop shaking…and I am tired of feeling like this…

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As a Black man and self-proclaimed quasi-historian, these are very troubling times for me and my people to live as a part (somewhat) of this uh…nation. Over the course of the past week, I (like most of you) have spent countless hours scrolling through the Laurentian abyss of social media. In the depths of its vast ocean, people continue to flood the webpages and outlets with egregious videos of protesters being harassed and brutalized while standing with their hands up in peaceful protest. I have seen people being ripped from their cars after the police have beat their car to a pulp of parts. I have seen defenseless women (white and Black) shoved by police. In fact, one video shows a woman on her knees…surrounded by police as she buries her face in her hands, being kicked in the face by an officer. I have seen police dogs attacking people who have already surrendered and are subsequently screaming to the Heavens for the pain to end. I have walked the streets of my city for days at a time…with my people…and watched as military personnel are perched on the top of every building, as if they are snipers ready to take their shot if one of us ‘gets out of line.’ I have seen it all. PTSD.

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I must preface by being unequivocally clear: I am not attempting to draw any notions connecting my experiences to that of my ancestors who lived and died during slavery, Jim Crow or the horrific transatlantic slave trade. I am also not attempting to present any notion that I know what it was like to live in the hyperracialized 1960’s era, I am simply saying that I have studied historical instances and have drawn subsequent connections.

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This horrific nightmare that appears to have no end…is nothing new. I remember hearing stories of this behavior from my Grandfather (shoutout to pawpaw), who grew up in Mississippi in the 40s and 50s. He watched as the world crashed and burned around him for the first 30 years of his life, and it appears as if history is repeating itself for his grandson. The looting. The burning. The police brutality. The police dogs. The anger. The fear. The unrest. I could go on for the next 300 words but I think you get the point. The only difference I notice is the replacement of water hoses by more tactical means, such as tear gas and rubber bullets. Anyway, all of this has happened before. So what do we do with all of this when we could be seen as living in the same ‘hell’ our grandparents endured 60 years ago? I’m not entirely sure…and all of it places me in a very conflicted position as a Black leader (just as those before me). In particular, I woke up today very confused; perplexed. I have watched Killer Mike’s press conference about a dozen times and I respect him to the utmost. He, along with Dr. Cornell West on CNN, has made some extremely valuable points (per usual), but remember that there are three sides to every story: side a, side b, and the truth. With that being said, I am conflicted because I have also watched videos of various scholars and read excerpts from historical figures about the ‘power’ in rioting and protesting with fire. Yes, fire. You know, those ‘screw this’ moments when you are so incredibly fed up that all forethought ceases and you start acting on pure impulse. We have all been there. For some of us, it’s going out with friends because of peer pressure. For others, it’s going to your in-laws barbecue to eat their bland (explicit) potato salad because it will make your partner happy. It’s simply a moment when you stop giving much of a damn; it is what it is.

Now, I understand the MLK’s of the world; the nonviolent approach. Killer Mike expressed an excellent point that we should not be burning down our own house because someone made us mad. We should not be ‘throwing a fit’ (as my momma be tellin me) because we are not getting our way. Think about it. When people make you mad, do you take it out on your own house and burn it to the ground? For some out there, the answer may be yes but soon after…you probably realize that this miiiggghhtttt have been a mistake. For me, it was punching holes in the wall as a kid or throwing my Playstation controller when I would lose a game because, well you know…’the game was cheating’. It didn’t make the problem better, it simply made my living conditions worse. Regardless, MLK was known for his nonviolent approach and Dr. West speaks eloquently about the power of a nation that shares things and allows everyone to live fruitful lives. Killer Mike also talks about the damage that looting and rioting does to the Black community, especially if we are tearing down and stealing from the (scarce) Black businesses that we worked so hard to build and continually support. To make matters worse, violent behavior by Black people tends to fuel the ideology of the oppressors and allow them to continually push the narrative that we are animals and thugs that need to be ‘controlled’ and ‘policed’. I’m damn sure not saying that any of this makes us animals or thugs, nor am I saying that their paternalistic approach is right. I am simply noting how they have framed us over the years. I don’t want that for my people. I don’t want us to fuel their narrative or give them any additional reasons to think the way that they think. I also know that there are some out there who are waiting for one of us to ‘try them'; for one of us to ‘get out of line’ and give them the slightest semblance of reason to execute their egregious tactics. They are doing bad all by themselves…so they don’t need our help.

On the other hand, I understand those who riot…for a number of reasons. Although very few are publicly pushing for more riots, historical figures have talked of the value and life experiences have afforded me an advanced understanding of the why. Notably, MLK, the nonviolent leader, notes, "a riot is the language of the unheard.” For clarity, I will pass the mic to my good sister Saidiya Hartman (excerpt from her book, Lose Your Mother):

I had grown weary of pleading our case and repeating our complaint. It seems to me that there is something innately servile about making and appeal to a deaf ear or praying for relief to an indifferent and hostile court or expecting remedy from a government unwilling even to acknowledge that slavery was a crime against humanity. (p. 166)

Seen through that lens, we (as a people) have been repeating our complaint on deaf ears and seemingly getting nowhere. We have pleaded to the nation to change the system; to hold officers accountable for their mistakes; to stop killing Black people in general; to admit that slavery was their greatest crime to date. The response? More police brutality. More Black bodies in the ground. More pain. More suffering. More abuse. As my mother taught me as a young boy, “theres’s only so much s*** people will put up with before they snap. By the looks of it, I would say that people have snapped. I can’t blame people for the rage they feel, because I feel it too. Every single day. Let’s return to the ‘screw it’ moments discussed earlier. A lot of POC share my level of hopelessness, which leads them to say, “man, to hell with this” and get to breaking things with zero regard for what happens next. I get it. You do too, even when you don’t think you do. Think about it. You have things in your life that you are willing to let slide, but there are other things that you will certainly not stand by and allow to take place…things you would burn things down for. It’s the same idea. In this case, people are choosing buildings and businesses because justice has not been served. Coming from where I come from, I can’t blame people who have been oppressed their whole lives for going out and expressing their anger because I do not attempt to tell people how they should feel about things that happen. Some of those people also target places like Target because they know that Target is a multi-billion dollar retail corporation who will be ‘aight without a couple of TVs and a bathrobe.’ Those who live in marginalized communities are (in my experience) typically cognizant of the reality that most of the buildings and businesses in their neighborhood are not owned within their neighborhood; they pay rent to outside owners, so they could care less if it burns down.

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…inhale. …exhale.

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I hope that you can now see why I am conflicted as a Black leader in this matter. On one hand, I understand the rage; the anger. I understand that my people are sick and tired of being sick and tired. I understand that my people are exhausted from pleading on deaf ears and are subsequently acting by any means necessary to get someone to listen. Personally, I have been vocal about my thoughts on this issue via Instagram (@savantlamont). I do not condone the violence, looting and rioting…but I understand why people do it. I understand that some people don’t want to ‘formalize’ protests because it stands as a counterproductive manner of attempting to ‘dismantle the masters house using the master’s tools.’ I understand that people don’t give a damn about corporations and would rather grab some new Airpods for the low while there is no one to stop them. I get it…I personally just don’t think it helps us in the grand scheme. It especially does not help the owners of Black businesses when we as Black people are looting and stealing from them. The value of a new pair of Jordans or a new 4K TV does not outweigh the value of positive Black camaraderie and imagery. I have to side with Killer Mike on this one; this is a great time for us to band together, strategize, and figure out a way to topple this tower. If we take our energy, effort and fury and channel it into something ‘constructive,’ we can figure this out. I believe that. I always bet on Black and I truly believe that there is nothing we cannot do if we uplift ourselves to the prolific standard that we were born to fulfill. Our ancestors once lived as Kings and Queens, so we have to work diligently to return to that standard of excellence. Think about it like this: what do you think would have happened if MLK and Malcolm X had joined forces? What if the peaceful marches led by Dr. King were fueled with an uplifting of Black power and self-reliance promoted by the Malcolm X camp? To me, that could give us better control of our outcomes.

I know that the chips are stacked against us and the dealer is doing us no favors. I cannot tell anyone how to feel, nor can I make you channel your emotions in any particular way. I am simply a Black man who understands two sides of this story. The truth? Well, I guess that is up to your interpretation. Either way, I feel you.

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thank you for spending a few moments with me. i do value your time and thoughts, so please do not hesitate to send me a message (using the contact page or via social media) and let me know what you think. i would love to hear from you!

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savant shelf selection: lose your mother by saidiya hartman

savant song selection: changes // 2pac shakur