just be happy.
Do you ever get the feeling that wherever you go, destruction follows? You know, that feeling deep inside your mind that considers the possibility of being cursed. To be honest, I feel like that more often than I am willing to admit. That feeling can serve as an explanation for the reasons that I am hesitant to believe that things will go my way or that good things are in store for me. A fraction of me believes I am doomed. I don’t even like to root for particular athletes or teams because part of me feels that they will never win if I root for them. That same part of me is sometimes hesitant to believe in myself or believe that I could succeed in certain areas because ‘something is bound to go wrong’ or ‘things like that don’t work out for people like me.’ I feel this way about the people around me as well. Part of me thinks that I ruin everything that I come in contact with, so I therefore tell myself that I shouldn’t bother trying. I tend to get into altercations with numerous people, especially when they are connected to the people that I care about...and now I know why. Here’s the truth...
I don’t assume that happiness is monolithic; uniform for everyone. My happiness could be your sadness, and vice versa. Ouch. Writing the words ‘and vice versa’ stings as if I’m being attacked by 1,000 angry hornets because too often I feel as if people are happier without me; their happiness is my sadness. It’s a trend that i would rather not acknowledge, but I cannot dismiss it. When people fall in love, the connection that is developed seemingly takes away the ability to ‘choose’ because that person has now become a part of you. So, I’m happy to see the people I care about falling in love...while also realizing that things between us will never be the same. Ever. There have been times when I allowed my fear of abandonment to dictate my actions, placing my loved one in the middle of a tug-of-war with opposing sides pulling at their arms with all the love that exists in a beating heart. As you can imagine, you can only pull at a body so much before something rips...leaving everyone broken and mutilated. I never want to do that again, so I always just let go before things get ugly (more on that below)...
I assure you, this is not a narrative to request a pity party, but rather a realization that washed upon the shores of cognition when I opened my eyes on this gloomy Sunday morning. You see, I had a stream of bad dreams last night. One after another, from bad to worse. One in particular frightened me so deeply that I was frozen in fear...unable to force myself to wake up. So there I was, unconsciously watching my own heart break on the backdrop inside of my eyelids. When I finally woke up, I felt so alone that I gripped my pillow with all my might. I swear I heard a seam rip, but the pillow was so incredibly close to my own heart that I couldn’t tell if it was the pillow or the sound of my heart actually breaking. My nasal cavity flooded as the sniffles washed over me, accompanied by waterfalls of tears creating ponds in my ears. Subsequently, I started to wonder what I must be like to fall asleep (and wake up) next to someone and be so vulnerable that they notice when something is off and immediately move closer to you to remind you of their presence; ensuring that you understand that you are not alone.
People often ask me why I find so much comfort on the lonely island, but most don’t understand that this is a space I had to become comfortable with...because it’s all I’ve ever known. My sadness has always seemingly meant greater happiness for the people around me. It hurts my heart and breaks my soul to see that exist as a pattern, but how selfish would I be to want vice versa to be the case and have happiness that meant sadness for those around me. Nah. I’m good on that. I would rather be the one living in the darkness if it means light for those I love. Their happiness will keep them occupied and I will stand and wave from afar.
I do my best to stay ‘out of the way’ because I despise when people are forced to choose between things or people they love. That’s not fair. It’s incredibly hurtful to be the reason that other people are torn apart and forced to choose a side. I’ve had friends who have been forced to choose between me and their partners. I’ve had family who have had to choose between me and their marital spouse. I’ve had relationships where she had to choose between me and her family. I don’t want that for anyone because i have seen how it breaks people, so I usually remove myself from the equation all together. I would rather just step back and let them be happy together. That’s what we’re here for, right? I will never allow myself to be the reason that happiness is taken from someone, so in case you were wondering why I’m so distant...I’m doing this for you. Be happy, please. You know what they say, “if you love something, let it go.” Well, I love you…so I won’t ever make you choose; I will always understand. Do what you gotta do.
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thank you for spending a few moments with me. i do value your time and thoughts, so please do not hesitate to comment below or send me a message (using the contact page or via social media) and let me know what you think. i would love to hear from you!
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savant shelf selection - 2fish by jhené aiko efuru chilombo
savant song selection: in your atmosphere // john mayer