savant’s guide to mastering failure.
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Ambition can be a road filled with heartbreak. For those of us who are driven, determined, and hell-bent on being ‘successful,’ many people talk of the Darnelle Cuyler ideals of being great and taking ‘no days off,’ but the reality is…that is easier said than done. The road to success is a roller coaster filled with ups, downs, and winding corkscrews of experiences. Sometimes we are up. Sometimes we are down. Sometimes we are flipped sideways and have no idea how to reach equilibrium. It can certainly be scary. Granted, there are many who have been very vocal about this process. Read books like The Laws of Success by Napoleon Hill, Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, The Almanac of Naval Ravikant by Eric Jorgensen, or even Bravering the Wilderness by Dr. Brene Brown and you will get a taste of guidance while venturing into uncharted territory. All of these authors will offer great tips about what to do to ensure success and make the best of life, but very few books will discuss the art of failure and the ways to navigate the darker parts of the journey…because believe me, the lows can be glum. We put ourselves out there in every sense of existence and push the needle of possibilities for the hopes of achieving the unachievable…but what happens when that doesn’t work out? What happens when our best is still not good enough? What happens when we put our heart and souls into something (or, someone) and the only return seems to be complete and utter heartbreak? Well…let’s talk about it.
I am no saint. I am coming to you fresh off of a major disappointment that many would consider a failure and I cannot stress how much it hurt my heart to receive the news that I had once again come up short. Failure is a tough pill to swallow, and sometimes our only move is sitting for a moment and somewhat wallowing in a sea of our own tears. In fact, we search the depths of our conscious mind to unearth any semblance of shortcoming that we could have changed about the scenario. Maybe we could’ve done this differently. Maybe if we had just done something extra, it would’ve worked.
…could’ve done this better.
…could’ve done that more efficiently.
…could’ve tried harder.
This thought process is not uncommon for those of us who take risks because the reality is, life doesn’t always play out how we expect it to. Worst yet, the reward is not always sweet when we put ourselves out there because by doing so, we inadvertently invite the options of failure, turmoil, and pain to interject. But…that’s kinda the point of trying: to see what happens. The joy is in the journey and the growth that can happen, not necessarily any set destination. Failure grants us the opportunity to show ourselves (and, the world) what we are made of. Anyone can smile and cheer when they are up, but it takes expansive emotional maturity and composure to know how to fail and accept that gift of coming up short. We learn that way. We grow that way. We become our best selves that way.
Think for a moment about the Kubler-Ross grief cycle. There are five stages to the Kubler-Ross cycle and the model has been widely used in research and behavioral interventions to explain the ways that we as people handle grief. The first stage is denial, which is usually the point when we are in shock that something has happened (or, didn’t happen). At this stage, we typically do not want to accept that something occurred or that we came up short. The second stage is anger, which is usually when we go from ‘there’s no way this is happening to me’ to ‘man, what the hell!?’ It is at the second stage that we typically get a bit irate and might I say pissed about what has just transpired. The third stage is bargaining, which happens when we are struggling to find meaning in the loss that we took. This is the stage in which we really start to need our people because we are typically grasping at straws to find solace. Remember the part we just discussed about the ‘could have’ moments? That’s bargaining. Stage three is one of the darkest stages of grief, but also the turning point for all emotion. The fourth stage is depression. Yes, depression. At this point, we are firmly planted as the mayor of struggletown. Although bargaining is the place where we start to think to reach out to people, depression is the stage in which we actually need them and oftentimes might have hostility toward them. It is not intentional, but simply the remnants of our helplessness. As the mayor, we typically feel as if this stage will never end and that we are stuck right where we are…but we can take solace in the emotional awareness of knowing that the best is yet to come! On the other side of depression…is acceptance! Not to be confused with being ‘okay’ or sunshine and birds chirping, acceptance is simply the point in which we learn to live with what happened and have a general understanding of what we can do now.
Things don’t always work out how we desire them to. Life is designed that way. We try, we fail, and we try again. That is just the way it goes, while also being the way in which we grow. It’s like learning to ride a bike, you know? We have to be brave enough to take the training wheels off and try to ride the bike on our own. We will fall and probably scrape our knees (among other things), but we heal up and keep trying until we get it! So, in that fashion, we must learn to fail at life the way we learned from failures in learning to ride a bike. Here are a few tips that I have found effective along my journey.
1) Take stock of what happened. Stop trying to force an understanding and just allow the dust to settle for a second. Allow the waters to calm. Allow the wind to blow as it goes. Stay still for a brief moment and simply try to relax. Document all of these feelings as well. The good, bad, and ugly. All of it. Break out your journal and write it all down (or, pull out your Heart Take guided journal and write it there!). Oftentimes, an effective way to handle the shock is to allow the body to relax and from there, you can assess the damage.
1.a) Invite your feelings and befriend them. If you are upset, allow yourself to be upset…but dig deeper and try to figure out just why you are upset. Ask yourself why you are actually angry? Why are you actually crying? I’m not saying to wallow, but simply to dig; find the root.
2) Forgive yourself. We are only human and society can lead us to believe that we are superhuman in our ventures. News flash, we are not. We will win some and we will lose more. Unfortunately, that is just the way that this life works. There are thousands of people who claim that they never take an ‘L’ but I am here to express that the absence of failure is also the absence of ambition and willingness to pursue what the heart desires. If people are not failing, they are not taking risks and reaching for the seemingly impossible…and that is their true loss. Forgive yourself for thinking that failure will not happen, because I promise…we have fallen and we will fall again. Time and time again, we will fail if we are truly pursuing our heart’s deepest desires. Lastly, accept that you tried your best and it just wasn’t in the cards this time. That happens quite often but perseverance is the key to victory at this point.
3) Make a plan. Now that you have taken stock of how you fell and started to forgive yourself, it’s time to develop a plan of attack for how you will come back from this L. Every major setback sets the stage for a major comeback. At this point, use what you have garnered in the first two steps to aid in designing your plan to make the next one better than the last one. Maybe there are areas that you can improve on. Perhaps there are aspects of the scenario that you could do more efficiently. Ultimately, this is the point where we get up, dust ourselves off, and figure out where we are headed next.
4) Determine where you want to go. Now is the time to really see what you are made of. What do you want to happen? Where to you want to go. You are the captain and as such, you get to decide what happens next. Now that you are more informed, use that information to chart the path ahead, and begin to walk. Put the pieces in place and prepare for the next journey as the new and improved you.
5) Set sail. Time to keep it movin’ and put your right foot in front of the left. You have taken stock of how you feel, forgiven your shortcomings, made a plan for the future, charted out the journey (as best you can), and now you must go. You must now put yourself back out there and test the waters. The path for your great adventure is set, but remember that it will not always be smooth sailing. There will be tough times and you may encounter small failures along the way, but the only failure we experience is the one where we quit trying to be better. Brave the wilderness with strength, poise, and determination to succeed. As our coaches and mentors always say, ‘put your best foot forward’ and get to steppin.
Trust yourself and follow the steps. You are guaranteed to succeed when you trust the heart in your chest and give yourself a chance at greatness. In order to do so, bring the savant guide with you and continually work to master the ups and downs. No matter what you may face out there, don’t give up. Ever. Instead, remember that greatness is there for the taking, you just have to be willing to endure the journey…and I know you are more than capable of doing so. It won’t always be easy, but I can promise that it will be worth it.
I will conclude with yet another iteration of Nipsey Hussle wisdom, so tap in to the video below and set sail with savant’s guide to mastering failure. Your path to greatness awaits you.
Siempre,
Savant Lamont 🌹
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